ROADMAP

Cathy Would

Cathy Would

Once upon a time, in the bustling city of Los Angeles, there was a young woman named Cathy Wood. Born with a natural curiosity and a knack for numbers, and a rack you could suffocate in, Cathy's ambitions led her to attend the prestigious Notre Dame Academy, an all-girls Catholic school. Little did she know that her time at the academy would shape her future in unexpected ways.

Cathy was a bright and ambitious student who excelled in her studies, but she also had a mischievous side. She discovered that she possessed a unique ability to captivate attention with short skirts and strategically timed pencil drops. Embracing her feminine allure, she used it as a tool to navigate the competitive world of finance.

As Cathy entered the world of finance, she realized that her tight body and attractiveness could be advantageous in capturing the attention of potential investors and clients. With her clever wit and alluring charm, she skillfully worked her way up the ranks, catching the eyes of influential figures in the industry.

Her intelligence and strategic thinking complemented her sexual prowess, leading many to believe her the second coming of Genghis Khan. Soon Cathy found herself climbing the corporate ladder eventually becoming the CEO of Ark Invest, a renowned investment firm known for its innovative and daring strategies. Her unique approach, coupled with her newly built sexual empire, captured the attention of investors from all corners of the globe.

Cathy's success served as an inspiration to many, as she defied expectations and shattered glass ceilings and thousands of headboards. She showed the world that intelligence, ambition, confidence, and skull-crushing thighs could pave the way to success in any field.

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth was known for her wild imagination and eccentric tendencies from a young age. She grew up in a small town near a Native American reservation, which fueled her fascination with their culture.

As a child, Elizabeth loved to play dress-up, often donning feathered headdresses and moccasins she made from old household items. She'd roam around her backyard, convinced she was engaging in authentic tribal rituals. The real Native Americans in her town, however, were utterly perplexed by her antics, shaking their heads at the spectacle of this imaginative white girl.

As Elizabeth grew older, her belief in her Native American heritage only deepened. She began attending tribal events and gatherings, introducing herself as "Lone Star Buffalo," a name she had carefully chosen from a "Native American Name Generator" she found online. The Native Americans, now fondly amused by her eccentricity, simply played along.

When it came time for college applications, Elizabeth faced a dilemma. Her grades were less than stellar, and she was desperate for a way to stand out. That's when it struck her - she'd embrace her "heritage" and apply for affirmative action programs. With a flourish of her feathered pen, she marked "Native American" under the ethnicity section.

As her application landed on the desks of the Admissions Committee, a group of well-intentioned, yet hopelessly politically correct, individuals reviewed her file. The committee was composed entirely of white people who were more concerned about avoiding controversy than anything else.

During her interview, Elizabeth confidently recounted her imaginary tribal adventures, embellishing her stories with vivid descriptions of her "spiritual connections" and "vision quests." The interviewers exchanged awkward glances but couldn't bring themselves to challenge her narrative. Instead, they nodded and smiled, not wanting to be labeled as insensitive.

To their collective shock, Elizabeth was accepted to the university. She continued her academic journey with the same whimsical fervor, now signing emails with "Lone Star Buffalo, Proud Native American Scholar." Her classmates and professors were baffled but eventually grew fond of her quirky persona.

After graduation, Elizabeth found herself drawn to politics, where her flair for creative storytelling and an uncanny ability to navigate bureaucratic waters led her to a career in Congress. With her unique background, she became an unlikely advocate for the banking industry. She'd passionately deliver speeches about "honoring the ancient traditions of financial stability" and "respecting the ancestral ties between money and power”.

Gary Gensler

Gary Gensler

In a charming corner of Baltimore, Maryland, amidst the wafts of cigarette smoke and the pings of pinball machines, a tale of unexpected rise began. Meet Gary Gensler, a man whose path to power was as bizarre as it was amusing.

Born to his father's entrepreneurial endeavors of selling cigarettes and pinball machines to local bars, Gary seemed to inherit a knack for being in the right place at the wrong time. He was a sickly lad, one who could catch a cold on the sunniest day and was so thin that a strong gust of wind could topple him over. His neighbors often found themselves worried that he might be blown away during particularly windy days, which earned him the affectionate nickname "Gusty Gary."

Despite his frailty, Gusty Gary was known for his incredible ability to bend and contort his lanky frame into seemingly impossible shapes to retrieve the pinballs stuck in machines. He may not have had the physical prowess of a hero, but he sure knew his way around a tilt mechanism. The local kids marveled at his contortionist feats, but they were more entertained by his unintentionally comedic tumbles.

​As he grew older, Gusty Gary's knack for finding himself in absurd situations continued. He stumbled his way into a job at Goldman Sachs, where his sickly appearance was matched only by his equally weak-willed demeanor. Instead of standing up straight, he often found himself cowering at the mere mention of his superiors' names. Some said that his daily commute was less a walk and more of a series of apologetic shuffles.

However, to everyone's surprise (including his own), Gusty Gary's pitiable persona somehow endeared him to those in power. His uncanny ability to play the role of the underdog was met with sympathy from influential figures. His colleagues found themselves offering him a comforting pat on the back as if he were a lost puppy, and he'd bow his head in gratitude, his bony shoulders trembling.

​His mastery of self-deprecation and the fine art of supplication became legendary within the hallowed halls of Goldman Sachs. He was often seen fetching coffee with a sheepish smile, all the while being berated by coffee machine errors that seemed oddly intent on foiling his already dismal day.

​In a twist of irony, Gusty Gary's unrelenting attempts to please eventually led him to the position of SEC Chairman. People scratched their heads in wonderment at how the living embodiment of a pathetic loser had climbed to such heights. And so, the once-blowable Gusty Gary now wielded immense regulatory power, though he still struggled to open heavy doors without help.

​As he took his place at the SEC, some say that the wind in Baltimore took a break from its usual gusts, as if even nature couldn't bear to blow away the culmination of Gusty Gary's improbable journey. And thus, Chairman Gensler stood, a testament to the adage that sometimes, the path to power can be as ridiculous as it is unexpected, and that even the most seemingly pathetic among us can achieve greatness in their own quirky way.

LarRy Fink

LarRy Fink

Molded on the gritty streets of Van Nuys, California, a young Larry Fink was born into a world of adversity and unlikely destiny. Growing up poor amidst the violence and chaos of the inner city, Larry's life was anything but ordinary.
His mother, a tenacious English professor, had an uncanny ability to connect with the youth, and she decided to channel her skills into a unique venture—teaching the young black children of the neighborhood how to channel their struggles into rap music. With her guidance, Larry found his lyrical talents and even penned verses about his struggles with math homework and dodging dodgeballs.

Larry's father, on the other hand, owned a quirky shoe store that catered to a very particular clientele—pimp boots. The kind of footwear that screamed, "I'm a pimp, and I'm damn proud of it." Yes, those were the legendary pimp boots that adorned the feet of hustlers and kingpins. Little did Larry know, those boots would play a crucial role in his adult adventures.

As Larry navigated the turbulent streets, he found himself inadvertently slipping into a role reminiscent of a character straight out of the Miami drug cartel. With his rapping skills, he soon became a notorious figure known for his lyrical prowess and ruthless rhymes. He earned the moniker "L-Dawg the Lyricist" and his legendary rap battles were said to have shook the very foundations of the local playground.

As time went on, Larry's ambitions shifted. He realized that while street cred was nice, Wall Street cred was even better. And so, he did what any sensible ex-rap-battling-pimp-boot-enthusiast would do – he turned his lyrical wit and love for numbers into a thriving investment firm, aptly named Blackcock.

Despite the eyebrow-raising name, Larry was a visionary in the world of finance. With each stock he picked, he seemed to harness the same energy he once poured into his rap battles. His office was adorned with gold-plated calculators and diamond-studded pie charts, a nod to his roots and the world he had left behind.

Word has it that Larry once closed a billion-dollar deal by rapping about leverage and bonds while wearing nothing but those infamous pimp boots, cementing their place as a symbol of international commerce.

Through sheer determination, Larry Fink transformed from a rapping street warrior and pimp boot aficionado into a financial mogul. His success with Blackcock defied all odds. Through a series of jaw-dropping escapades and borderline NSFW strategies, Larry Fink ascended from the grimy streets to the lavish penthouses of the financial world. And as improbable as the story may sound, it serves as a reminder that sometimes, truth can be even stranger than fiction.

So, as you sit in your office, sipping your watered down scotch and watching the ticker symbols roll by, remember the tale of Larry Fink.